In a break from the standard routine, I’m going to use today’s post to explain to all of you out there how to be the best, most dedicated, and least healthy person possible. Wait..did I just say that? Yes, you read that right. I’m breaking down exactly what it takes to lead an unhealthy, unfit, and ho-hum existence.
Beating the same message into a person’s head can only be effective for so long. After hearing the same message, day in, day out, things start to become a little less meaningful. I’m sure you know all too well about the old, in one ear, out the other scenario. So rather than tell you what you’ve already read elsewhere on the internet a hundred times, we’re going to look at this from a completely different angle.
Make what you will with this list. Looking to be one of those unhealthy superstars, basically doing everything in your power to ensure an early demise? Make sure you follow these tips to a T. On the other hand, if you’re not happy with how you life is going and want to make change but have been having a hard time, take a close look at this list. I’m willing to bet a lot of these tips hit pretty close to home. Don’t deny them; lets shine some light on them, expose them or what they are, and start to change. This article is all about facing the facts and owning up to your unhealthy habits. Once you do that, change becomes so much easier.
1. Eat fast food. Being some of the junkiest and least healthy food around, make sure to stock up on this stuff while you’re out. Rest assured that even the occasional fast food meal once or twice a week is enough to put your sodium and saturated fat intake through the roof. Even better, start eating fast food for lunch at work everyday because you didn’t bring your own from home…which leads to my next point.
2. Never plan meals ahead. Planning is for the weak. You just go out there and eat when you want, where you want, and don’t worry what anyone else tells you. You’re probably too busy to make lunches/dinners ahead, so just worry about it when you get hungry. Remember, ordering Wendy’s takes 2 minutes…grilling up a week’s worth of chicken breasts takes 15. Wendy’s wins..obviously.
3. Go for jogs. I know, exercise is lame. So don’t give in to what you’re hearing around the web these days. I’ve got something nice and easy for you. Go out there and jog around for 30-45 minutes, but make sure you’re not going fast enough that you’re out of breath or breaking any sort of real sweat. Just move around, that’ll be enough to help you burn calories and look like all the people in the US Weekly magazine I recommend you read while on the treadmill.
4. Don’t waste time with weights. Do yourself a favor and listen to the people who tell you weights will make you big and bulky. Steer clear of the weight section completely. Rest assured that the bi-weekly jogs or elliptical workouts you’ve been doing will help you put on muscle and develop that lean, athletic look you’ve been obsessing over for the past few years. Science be damned, it’s going to work for you.
5. Stop reading nutrition labels. What are you doing here? Stop wasting your time reading every label at the store. Don’t you know everyone’s looking at you and thinking what a weirdo you are? The differences between certain products are miniscule anyways right? Just buy what looks good and do your best to eat it in moderation..that usually works pretty well.
6. Water is lame. How terrible is water? Blegh..no flavor, nothing going on, such a waste of a beverage. Opt for something with a little more going on. Juice drinks, Gatorade, soda, anything but water! It doesn’t matter that these are packed with sugar. They’re liquid and they contain no fat, so it’s not really THAT bad for you anyways.
7. Avoid fat like the plague. You don’t need to be a rocket scientist to figure this one out. If you want to avoid fat on your body, you should avoid fat in your diet; makes perfect sense. Forget what people say about healthy fats. Play it safe and avoid ALL fats as best you can. In the event you get hungry (and you will), go for other tasty things like pasta, breads, and cereals. Those do a pretty good job at filling you up and best of all….fat free!!
8. Complain. Often. Someone obviously didn’t let you in on a little secret…complaining has been known to change a bad situation. Don’t believe me? Just ask all of your chronic complaining co-workers. Why do you think they complain about every little thing? Because complaining works..duh! Bitch, moan, complain, do whatever you have to do to lament about a situation you don’t like. After a while someone will take notice of all of your complaining and come to your rescue.
9. Follow what works. If you do decide to lift some weights, for the love of God, find a routine that works and stick with it. When you find something that works, keep doing it. Obviously if it’s working for you now, it’s always going to work. Forget why there are thousands of different exercise routines out there…you don’t need ’em. You just need to keep on keepin’ on, and watch the magic being made.
10. Exercise journals are a pain….so don’t keep one! How silly do those people who write down every exercise and weight look? Oh my God, everyone in the gym is looking at them thinking what a weirdo they are! Forget exercise journals. Yeah, I guess it only takes 10 minutes of your time, but isn’t that time better spent doing something else? Plus, you’ve got a really good memory, so just remember what you did last time and how much you lifted so you know where you’re at. Not to mention, if you’re following these tips, you obviously know not to change your routine, so just do what you always do…no journal needed!
11. Eating is overrated. Want to lose weight fast? Find a fad diet that everyone says works really well. Go for those low-carb/no-carb one’s; I hear they’re really effective. Really stick it to your metabolism and even consider skipping a meal here or there. When you’re not eating your body is forced to burn calories, right? Right! Now go get ’em!
12. Routines make for an easy life. I don’t know if I can emphasize this one enough…don’t. try. new. things. Breaking from routine and doing new things is annoying, right? It’s so much easier to just stick with what you’ve always done. Whether it’s your fitness, job, personal relationships…whatever. Just stick with the status quo, stay under the radar, keep your head down, and don’t make waves. Follow the same old routine and you’re basically guaranteed a happy and best of all, easy life.
13. Get your fitness advice from the right sources. In addition to Share It Fitness (of course), opt for the advice in those health magazines found by the check-out aisles at the grocery store. Cosmopolitan, Women’s Health, Men’s Fitness…anything like that. If it’s published in a magazine I think it’s a law that it has to be true. Just follow their advice and don’t ask questions. Additionally, if someone is a celebrity trainer, they are obviously one of those best trainers on the planet. Listen to their advice and you’re guaranteed to lose weight and tone up.
14. Don’t cook your own meals. I know we already touched on this with the fast food tip, but I’d like to take things a bit further. Cooking is boring, hard, and takes a ton of time. I realize there are times you’ll probably have to suck it up and cook, but whenever possible, eat your meals out. A ratio I recommend is 3 meals out to every 1 meal at home. Follow that and you’ll free up a ton of time to do other awesome things like….
15. Pick up a hobby…like browsing Pinterest for silly outfits for your cat..or Rue La La for silly outfits for yourself…..or start playing awesome games like Farmville. The internet is awesome..you should really start making the most of it before they take it away. Sites like Pinterest and games like Farmville are SO awesome, you can literally spend 8 hours a day on them and not even realize it. Uh hello??? Sounds like fun doesn’t it? Start accepting every Facebook game request you receive and get really, realllly good at them. Don’t you want to be the first of your friends to rack up a million cows and chickens on your e-farm? Forget lame things outside…the internet is where. it’s. at.
16. Protect your ego like your life depended on it. It’s no fun being around people who are already fit, healthy, and active. Their hard bodies and flat stomachs are pretty much there to mock you. Hanging with them will only make you feel bad about yourself. Protect your ego and consider giving it a boost by hanging with friends who are all like you, or even worse off. Talk to them, hang with them, eat with them. When you’re the only one at the table who ordered a salad to go with your double cheeseburger instead of fries, you’re going to instantly feel awesome about yourself and realize why you choose to hang with people less healthy than yourself.
17. Whole wheat is for hippies. Forget all that whole wheat, granola, brown rice crap. You know what you like, and you’re certainly no damn hippie! Good old-fashioned white bread, white rice, and potatoes are what you know and what you like. All of this “healthy” whole grain stuff is a liberal conspiracy. This is America..there’s a reason most people don’t opt for that “whole wheat” stuff. Be a true ‘Merican and just go for the good old-fashioned stuff you grew up on and don’t buy into those evil hippies and their lies.
18. Eating healthy is too expensive, so forget about it. Have you ever been to a farmer’s market? I’m pretty sure everything there is at least 3-4x as expensive as the grocery store. Organic is so overrated (those damn hippies again!) and overpriced. Don’t listen to that guy who told you about the CSA…there has to be a catch in there somewhere. You’ve been eating regular, pesticide covered fruits and vegetables your whole life and are perfectly fine…so why stop now? Just get your stuff from the grocery store and leave farmer’s markets and organics to the snobby do-gooders.
19. Learn to be content. Can’t you just be content with how things are? What do you really think is going to happen if you decide to get all cavalier and start setting goals? Odds are you won’t reach the goals you set and will end up frustrated and annoyed…so why bother? There’s like, so many more people worse off than you..so just be content with yourself and go with the flow.
20. Work out because you feel like you should. You know that nagging voice in your head that makes you feel bad about yourself when you feel like you aren’t working out enough or are gaining too much weight? Put that bastard to rest by doing just enough to appease him. Forget the fitness advice you’ve heard or what you’re doing at the gym, just get out there and do enough to feel better about yourself. Maybe jog for a few minutes, walk around, pick up a couple of weights. It’s all better than nothing, and if it puts that annoying little man inside your head to sleep…mission accomplished!
21. Envy those around you. You know that saying, the grass is always greener? Well, it’s absolutely true. It’s just your yard that is brown, old, and dying. Look around you. See all that beautiful emerald-green grass? If I were you, I’d certainly be jealous of those people. They’re all just so lucky and have it so easy. It’s not fair that the things you’re doing aren’t working out for you. What’s the point in even trying? You’ll never be as great as all of those other people. You should probably just give up now and get back to Farmville…I think your cows are dying..
There you have it people. Hopefully I’ve unlocked a few secrets for you and have shown you how to be the most average, unfit, and least healthy person I know you can be! Remember, persistence is key. Following these tips will ensure a lifetime of mediocrity, boredom, and bad health. I mean, that’s what you want after all right? …why else would you be doing these things?
If on the other hand you’re actually NOT trying get as unfit as humanly possible, perhaps go down this list and honestly examine your own health and fitness habits. Stop the denial and own up to anything on this list that rings true. If you want to change, start by eliminating the bad habits and replacing them with good habits…for which you can find plenty of information on this blog.
Best of luck and be sure to let us know how your journey is going!